It doesn't Matter

I’m sick and tired of faking smiles. Sick of all the happiness around me. The world’s a sham, life’s a joke. No one fucking cares. No one. There is no all powerful being sitting up there in the clouds looking down at you with a benign smile, slowly and masterfully guiding your life to eventual peace and contentment. He doesn’t give a shit. And neither do I. Coz I have learnt it the hard way. I have learnt it the hard way that there’s no plan for any of us. I learnt it when dreams I had built painstakingly were brought crashing down, ruthlessly, without a second thought; like a child who gives hours of effort and patience to build a sandcastle, and without warning, a sudden fluctuation in the ocean’s tidal dynamics produces a freak wave which washes it away. A loss so big for the poor kid, but did the ocean with its billions of metric tonnes of water even notice what it did? Somebody should have just walked over to the child when he was beginning to build his castle, picked him up and told him, “Whatever it is that you’re planning to do, it wouldn’t matter”. And it doesn’t matter. Never. Do what you want to pander to your desires, but in the end, the happiness is only momentary. IT DOESN’T MATTER.

Is this that hard to see? Why do people around me laugh? Why are birthdays celebrated the way they are? Don’t they see how overhyped the concept is? Pretend to rejoice the day you were thrown into this pigeon-shit existence for the next seven decades(barring the few lucky ones)? What’s in that fucked-up flower your lover gave you that’s making you give me that big-toothy one? Its gonna fuckin dry up, and then stink as fungi and bacteria make a meal out of it. Why the applause when the teacher announced he would not be taking classes tomorrow? Do you think that made him any nobler than he is? Do you for one second doubt his intentions to screw your lives the first chance he gets? So you landed a job? Congra-fuckin-tulations! You just signed away 50% of the waking hours of the rest of your useful life (if that’s even a phrase) to working your ass off doing something we both know you hate the guts of.

So why the fuck do you laugh? Or even cry for that matter? Why do you celebrate? Or mourn? If you think it matters to someone, go get a good look at yourself in the mirror. All of it is inconsequential, YOU are inconsequential. Puke out the food you eat, bleed till you drown in it, shout till you can’t hear yourself anymore, or simply hold your breath and just keep holding....

Time for The Sphinx

The Black Sphinx
My second blog where the Black Sphinx will take you on a journey into the lives of people, fictitious and real, where the only thing common between the various events will be utter irrelevance and disconnection. so time for me to shut up and let the Sphinx take over.just click.
http://theblacksphinx.blogspot.com/

64 down, 12 more to go

Its the 5^th of july, which means the summer holidays are now 2 months and 4 days old. And without getting caught up in any philosophical debates, something i have had a lot (thanks sidharth, thanks sehraan) in these vacations, i will take a bold leap of faith and declare, being of  brilliant mind and amazing body, that yes, i am still very much in existence. I look back now and there’s hardly anything i remember at all about the last four fortnights. Nothing. Its kinda hard to describe. I mean the events that transpired in the last week of april somehow seem closer in time than the ones that happened in mid-may or maybe the ones in june. Thats weird right? It feels like yesterday that i was with Ankita at IG park and we were sitting at Pizza Den or the shop-hopping that we did, but sitting in my bedroom in front of my lappy and watching the first season of Prison Break seems like ages ago. Doesn’t make sense because while the former happened on 30^th april, Scofield did not start dropping his origami ducks till the last week of may. Freak you out? Didn’t think so either.

So that is one of the things i did this summer. What else? Well, i went through a large number of movies, some of them really good, most of them chickenfeed. Completed season one of Lost earlier today. And it makes me regret having confined myself to sitcoms for so long. Far cry from the summer course i had expected to end up doing. But there are people out there who have made the most out of these vacations too. C/C++/JAVA/VLSI/AUTOCAD, take your pick, attend classes 2 hours every weekday, march out one month later with a certificate in hand and a clear cut advantage over the likes of me when we return to the insti for our third sem. There are people who flunked their semesters, and now have done summer courses, adding Ex’s and A’s where there were F’s in their marksheets, and have pushed up their pointers big time. Some have learnt to swim, others now play billiards, fuck! some have even scored interns in their first year! The first of my friends have started losing their virginity. And if not anything, there are people who have set world records in boozing and/or shagging! And what have i done in the last 60 days?  

Well i did get started on my guitar, but the progress is hardly anything worth mention. I have joined a gym whose instructor has taken it as a personal affront that someone as skinny as me is walking around in his gym. He is now on a mission to either make me a Schwarzenegger or kill me off. With every passing day the chances of the first alternative becoming true are rapidly fading. In fact, its time for me to go hit the gym again. See you on the other side. Adios.  

What is it about First Love?

is the question that has been making me go Plato since yesterday. Why is it that your first love never ceases to be in your life? Never goes away for good? You cut-off all bonds, try your damnedest to move on, endow your affections, in far greater measure, on new objects, but you look within, and you look hard enough, and there is this tiniest of spaces in your heart still occupied by that vestige of the past. And it scares you so because you see in that tiny trickle a real possibility of a deluge. All it needs is a push and a prod and its there, right at the forefront.

Richard Marx, this rock artist from the late 80's and early 90's, used to be my most favorite of all musicians, his music, my most adored. His tracks dominated my playlists for the better part of three years. But then, towards the beginning of my 12th, i went through this phase of musical stagnation. Marx and other favorites like Lionel Richie, George Michael, Linkin Park, Evanescence,The Rasmus to name a few got boring, and hitherto untried bands didn't seem interesting enough to have their albums downloaded and listened to track-by-track. And then i went to NIT.

NITR, with its DC++, enabled immediate, lightning speed and free downloading of almost any album by almost any band, and of course, plenty of free time to try them out too. So, sometime in early september, what i did was format my entire playlist and put in a whole new stock of tracks. In came Skillet, Nirvana, Daughtry, Alterbridge, Creed, Switchfoot, Coldplay, Celldweller et al. It went like, "Hey this song seems pretty neat, let me get the full album" and more often than not, i liked the album too. I was so fed up with my old favorites that i remember vowing to myself never ever to listen to those artists or those songs again (towards august i would sit and scroll through the songs, searching for something which might remotely be less listened to than the others). And i hadn't. That is until yesterday.

A week back i got myself a guitar. Too tired and bored of playing the same chromatic scales and those retarded nursery rhymes again and again, i decided to search the tabs of some good slow songs that i, with my nascent skills, could pull off. Yeah, i tried some coldplay and greenday shit, but playing and changing cords with the required speed turned out to be too much for me. And then, flash of light. Surely the intro music of Right Here Waiting by Marx was something worth trying. I mean the beat is pretty sluggish and it involves only plucking of single strings. I downloaded the tabs and voila! i could play the tune within an hour of trying. Really playing that tune by myself, as i felt the music come out of my own fingertips, it reminded me of just how poignant and beautiful it was. Individual notes assembled with pure genius and finesse' to give rise to the tune that was Marx's coup de grace. I went over to youtube and gave the original song a listen. For a moment, i was back to being that 15 year old kid who had heard the opening piano solo for the first time in a random collections' cd. I remembered in exact detail, how i had felt at that time, maybe because, in a certain measure, i felt that way again. i saw the video 3 more times. That was day before yesterday.

Yesterday, thanks to mininova.org and my internet plan that permits free downloads of upto 2.5 GB, i got a Best Of... collection of Richard Marx. I have listened to that album top to bottom thrice already. From the classic ol' school rock n roll feel of Satisfied to the hauntingly beautiful strains of Hold On To The Nights to the euphonious use of the saxophone in Endless Summer Nights; from the surreal Hazard to the smooth and suave touch of Touch Of Heaven to the mellifluous, yet a bit heavy-ish Angelia; from the laid-back Keep Coming Back to the masterpiece that is Right Here Waiting, each one of these songs enraptured, enthralled and liberated me. I can't believe i had been missing out on these for such a long time. Or is it that that i hadn't listened to these songs for such a long time that made me enjoy them so much? Maybe your first love never goes away. Maybe its there all the time while you wander off after other pursuits, liking and doting stuff you think you love more than that one. And while that might be true, your first passion is just behind the curtains waiting, because after a long enough break, all that is required is the tiniest of sparks to remind you how exactly it had made you feel THEN. I know i am listening to a lot of Richard Marx now, but am i gonna give up on Kurt Cobain for him? Or am i gonna prefer him over Switchfoot? I don't think so, because there is a reason we use the word "FIRST" in First Love. At the end of the day, they are picture-perfect sweet recollections to be treasured, cherished, honoured and, while in the midst of your REAL and PRESENT life, to be dwelt upon once in a while. It will make you smile, trust me.

VENOM

not really in a mood to write today.........so i am just gonna drop one of my poems on you guys, (ya i do write some amateur verses from time-to-time),,,,,its titled VENOM, and although degree didn't publish it, i ges they know shit. i wrote it wen i was in 11th.......here goes..


VENOM

So let darkness engulf me
Strip me of all I have been.
The devil’s laughter ring through my ears,
Fill me with the immortal zeal.

Revenge! Justice! My soul cries,
Anger blazes its trail ‘cross my heart.
A scar that burns white with rage.
A scar thats here to stay.

A din surrounds my ears,
Pressing me on, urging.
I descend deeper into the abyss.
The darkness grows darker.

I bite my lips harder,
Enjoying, relishing the feel,
The momentary escape into physical pain.
Wish the spasms never end.

The dagger of betrayal delves deeper into my soul,
Want of vengeance rushes through my veins.
My trust shames me.
I spit venom, I bleed.



As my soul burns in this conflagaration,
A tiny flame tries to fight off the freeze.
She’s the trust that upholds my immolated soul.
She’s the calm when my world crashes down.

But all the while I hear more laughter,
More accusations, more abuses,
More venom.
His whisperings grow louder
As my skull splits in two.

He enters with a torrent of hate
Decimating all opposition he finds in me,
Blasting his way through,
Burning.

As my soul cries its tears of blood,
It sees its last moments through his green eyes.
I awake


-Devraj

listing out points does work...

"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee

No, this isnt gonna be a review of pulp fiction, and neither did i see the movie anytime recently; it just seemed to be a nice way to start off a post and so......... its 9th may already, and the summer hols seem to be stretching out like a vast and silence expanse in front of me, the kinda stuff that you saw in No Country For Old Men as Llewelyn hunts deer in an opening scene. for the last 8 days(fuk! its only been 8 days), all i hav done is stay online,........................................and nothing else, the 5th was different, but that doesnt seem likely to be repeated for some time now. life it seems is full of contradictions, less than 10 days back all i wanted in life was the endsems to get over and me to get on the bus home, now i cant wait to get back. i guess until my maths results are out i cant say for certain that i'll be staying here for the entire vacations, mite end up going there after all. but here's the surprising thing, i dont wanna go back for a summer course, whch again contradicts what i said a little while earlier. and THIS my dear (and rare) reader is what is driving me nuts. and i knw its not just me, this is the basic human condition; the grass always has to be greener on the other side, and then, at times, when you actually have a chance of getting what you want, you dont know if you really want it or not, what was an idle wish turns terrifying when you face the prospect of it getting realized. daughtry nailed it when he sang "careful what you wish for, coz u just might get it all". look at me, no wait, let me do this in an organised fashion

1. night before the electronics paper, all i wanted from life was to clear the papers somehow and leave the insti for a good (i used the word "good") 2 and a half months
2. evening before maths, and we got a notice that a huge bunch of us would have to attend summer courses no matter what we do in the endsems, suddenly i started seeing the brighter side of staying here in the summer, good grades, loads of time with certain persons; summer course suddenly seemed a lot better.
3. after maths paper we are told we could go home and not have to attend summers if we clear our papers in the endsems, making it possible for me to come home the next day, summer course again seemed the last thing i wanted, and i ended up having one of the most memorable days of my life.
4. getting on the bus and realizing that these were the last few hours made me wish we could just stay back, i even dreamt up a utopia of sorts, where rkl's weather turns all pleasant, the kinda stuff we had in february, with no classes or anything, it was gud.(i was doing all this when everybody else in the bus had fallen asleep, leaving me alone with no one to talk to)
5. the moment i reach home, to mum's parathas and the air-conditioning and the bike, i forget i ever stayed in a place called rkl; summer course? wat summer course?!
6. 48 hours of home-coming euphoria and i start missing each and every detail of the life i had back there.
7. in the next few days, i find out that a large no of ppl are doing summer courses. isnt NIT wat i am missing? wont all my problems get solved if i just did a summer bak in the insti? wont i get out of this boredom, this state of inaction that i am living in?
8. but then why did i feel so fuckin relieved when i found out that i have cleared my electronics paper? why is it that i miss everything abt my college but i dont wanna go bak?

so i just read all that i had written till now, and i guess i now have the answer to all my questions. its hard admitting it, but i guess my life back in NIT has indeed come to REVOLVE around just 1 focal point. as long as that factor remains in the insti, i wanna be there too, if that factor is not going back for a summer course, the comforts of my home are a much better alternative. does this describe the general human condition too?

P.S. How did i get like this?

growling belly...

finally, the much awaited celeb-n8 or "jashnn" as it was named. a polite smatter of applause for our film and music society for managing to get the show on the road and pull it through without any mishaps. comparing it with what i have heard had happened last year when javed sum1-stol-my-balls ali had come, u cud actually say "good" and not have it sound like an overstatement. a brief account of the night- pritam tarried, pritam croaked, pritam left. err.. no thats not it. to be honest, it was a pretty decent way to spend an evening. and since i got to spend it with the person i already spend all my evenings with and love it, i am not complaining. pritam's entourage was good. his songs (i hate to use the word "his") wer good too. the evening, to be honest, did not give me everythng that i wanted from it, but it still ended up adding yet another cute li'l snap to this beautiful collage i am building. and ya, it made me miss my dinner. i hate celeb-n8's
!!!!

of bikes, fags and motherfuckers.....

bikes suck! sitting down here, now, in front of my desktop, i am wondering what the fuck did i do all day? just biking and nothng else. thanks to it, i missed out on meeting some very good friends, i missed out on watching movies that i have rented, i missed out on a dinner with my parents, i missed out on pretty much everything i had planned for today. and its not like i was riding some fancy bike on some fancy stretch of tarmac, it was just a plain ol' discover on ctc's roads. i fucking hate myself. add to it the spermless bastards who call themselves cuttack police. enforcing the helmet law as if their lives depended on it. well guys, fuck you! u dont simply decide one day to ask people who have been riding bikes all their lives with wind whipping through their hair to just strap on those heavy contraptions and move about. its decided, i am gonna go out for a ride tomorrow, and i am going without my helmet, jisko jo ukhaadna hai, ukhaad le! i am pissed with everything. and ya, new-found respect for my nicotine-addicted pals. i now get an idea how it is on u guys wen u dont get ur fags. u just simply need your daily dose. u need the high it gives u. u need to feel it run thru ur veins. u need to inhale in every breath. u need it to just 'be'. to clear the air (pun, laugh it up) i dont want people who are reading it and who are even a second older than 25, to freak out and call up my parents; i am not fagging.

fags remind me, there are people back there in the insti who are seriously pissing me off right now. wont be long before i start handing out pieces of my mind, in generous helpings. adios.

wow..!!

er...ahem....ya!!! phursat mile to sab bataunga....

long nocturnal walk, 2 cups of coffee, 1 of tea and some hot chocolate

ya thats pretty much all i did this evening, and considering how the day started, i, despite myself, will admit it was a pretty good ending. i woke up this morning looking forward to one of the most awkward, and possibly embarassing, conversations ever. but, hats off to the people involved, it turned out to be neither. so here i am, sitting, typing all this crap while people are busy sleeping,gtalking, jerking off, poring through books, or on the phone. but with all this caffeine in my blood, sleep is so out of the question. well atleast i have my hot chocolate, and in fact, i just finished the cup. but i dont think i am going to modify the title to something like ".........and a cup of hot chocolate", dont think so, it sounds cooler the way it is. i really have nothing to write about. i am talking shit and i fucking know it. but this is exactly what i wanna do right now, although i run the risk of losing whatever little readership i have after this post.so guys.....FACE!

shivratri tonight and our night canteen guy, in a state of utter inebriation, has decided to not open shop, thats the story behind my liquid diet. that reminds me, i have my midsems coming up in a week and i see no escape from the severe punishment my ass is gonna take this time. the problem this time is interesting subjects like electrical, mechanics, have been replaced by shithead topics, datastructures, environmental and safety. they are so boring, they are disconcerting. talk of boring, i really need to clear the air about this movie 'trainspotting'. i mean, what exactly do people see in it? all i saw was nothing but absurd and outlandish stabs at being "abstract". for me, no matter how highly it gets rated in imdb and no matter how many times d361 flashes its poster on its cover page, i wont like it. it was a fucked up movie the day it was released and its a fucked up movie now. only someone as pretentious,as wimp-assed and as sex-deprived, as danny boyle, could make it (ya slumdog millionaire sucked too; but not sunshine, flukes happen i guess).

i have machine-drawing lab 9.30 am tomorrow, a saturday. the fuckbrains of our insti are making us follow last monday's timetable on a saturday. told you life here is shit.


P.S. dont ask me how liquid diet reminded me that midsems are coming up. i am wondering about that myself.

mosquitoes.......!!

ok, so when i wrote the title of this blog i had some other things in mind which i wanted to write and it was mainly about these winged creatures which have so dramatically increased in numbers and are giving me such a hard time, but i just got a phonecall and turns out, at this moment, mosquitoes are the least of my worries. need sleep. good night.

Bunking DS classes

Well, here we go..... Formally beginning my blog from today, first the honours- special thanks to my e-cell senior for introducing me to this thing - i had always thot it wud be a pretty lame thing to do.......... sitting around writing stuff that no1 is actually gonna read; 2nd, to the rapidly heating up atmosphere of rkl for making me feel restless enuf; to sum oder ppl for pissing me off so bad yesterday night dat i HAD to find an outlet; and lastly to our dear and wish-he-was-departed HOD of CSE for making me so very disillusioned wid d concept of classroom teaching that i just bunked 2 hours of datastructures ( at great peril to my attendance) which ultimately afforded me the free time i needed to sit down and type away. There's a lot really to write about, so much that i hav no idea wher to start. 6 months here already and its like i know this place inside out although i get a feeling my real life here is only just getting started. and the way it looks i think i wil stash all my champagne in cold storage. too many frustrations, lot of angst, little compensation. case in point, i am real hungry at d moment and totally not in a mood to drag myself over to hex. so wat i did 5 mins bak is go ovr to d mess to grab a pack of hide n seek (nothing like chewing awy on ur fav biscuits while doing sum writing, innit?). turns out d mess guy is in d common room watching sum ridiculous movie where a woman, face painted black and tongue sticking out, was waving her trident at sum "bad guys" (also black-faced) hu wer scattering away evn before her trident pointed in their direction, all wid heart-rending screams that wud put messrs Wilhelm and co. to shame., all the while acompanied with sounds of bells and conches hitting the most jarring notes possible. so wat i did was call him and d bastard actually says,"dont disturb me during d climax, cum after 5 mins".

_l_ THIS is how i feel about life here at present. i hope things correct themselves in the future altho i dont count much on it. But i gess no matter how impossible the situation might seem to be, u never really let go of ur hope coz at d end of day dats wat keeps us goin....